


The Signs

by Thistley



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Blood, Chan gets Overwhelmed by Touch, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Yang Jeongin | I.N, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Harm, Sensory Overload, Suicidal Thoughts, Written by Experience (Sort Of), hurt bang chan, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26564281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistley/pseuds/Thistley
Summary: “He brought the shard, still embedded in his palm, and traced it lightly over his exposed left forearm. He pressed just enough to leave a slightly raised scratch mark, a light sting in comparison to the bloody wound that was his hand. He felt his leg slide a little as he adjusted his position, not noticing that he had smeared blood everywhere. “Or: Jeongin wants more affection but Chan is easily overwhelmed. It cumulates badly.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Hwang Hyunjin, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Hwang Hyunjin & Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 6
Kudos: 110





	The Signs

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Can't Live Without You (Chanjeong)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22334740) by [PotterHeadHGDM](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotterHeadHGDM/pseuds/PotterHeadHGDM). 



> Not associated with actual skz (obviously).
> 
> Written sort of from experience but it was hard to put into words. Let me know what you think.

Jeongin and Chan didn’t fight, not really. Not about anything big that lead to screaming arguments and frosty silences. 

They didn’t fight, until they did, Jeongin telling him scathingly that it didn’t even feel like they were in a relationship. 

They didn’t fight, until 48 hours passed by of sad silence and Chan eventually broke and apologised, promising to be more affectionate outside of the privacy of their dorm.

They didn’t fight again until a week of spiralling mental health cumulated on the kitchen floor one evening. 

-

The first sign that something was up was small, almost unnoticeable. Chan wore a lot of jewellery, Jeongin knew that. Rings, bracelets, earrings. 

At least, Chan wore a lot of jewellery, until he didn’t.

Two days into their new arrangement Jeongin was happier than he’d been in a long time. Chan had been actively initiating affection with him, not pushing away a lingering hand or tight hug. 

Jeongin sat down heavily in the spare chair beside Chan’s desk where he was working away on his laptop. He skirted over and let his head fall on his boyfriend’s shoulder, lazily watching the music program.

He watched Chan move the mouse only to notice that his hands and wrists were bare of their usual silver adornments.

His eyes fluttered over to a shine on the table and he gently reached out. His fingers met cold silver, chains and loops. Just behind Chan’s laptop was a small pile of jewellery, evidently hastily removed and pushed aside. Jeongin tried to study Chan’s expression but came up blank, seeing only concentration. 

He turned back to the pile and frowned, unsure why he had bothered to wear it if he was only going to take it off. Still a little concerned, he let his head rest again, pushing the observation in the back of his mind. It was probably no big deal.

-

The second sign was much more noticeable, enough that the rest of Stray Kids picked up on it as well. In fact, it was Hyunjin that brought it to Jeongin’s attention to begin with. 

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin said as they sat in a waiting room before a show, stage outfits on and hair and makeup either done or in progress. 

Jeongin hummed in acknowledgement.

“What’s up with Chan-hyung?” Hyunjin asked.

Jeongin looked up sharply. “What?” He hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary. Chan had stopped wearing jewellery altogether most days but Jeongin had chalked that up to a change in style and let it lie.

“He looks like he wants to crawl out of his own skin recently,” Hyunjin said. “You’ve not noticed anything?”

Jeongin bit his lip and looked over to the makeup chair that his boyfriend was sat in. From a glance his expression seemed calm, peaceful. When Jeongin peered a little closer he could see a certain tenseness behind his eyes. His hands were cradled in his lap, as if he was forcibly holding them there.

“No...I didn’t notice anything,” Jeongin said carefully. “Do you know anything?”

Hyunjin sighed heavily and shook his head. He let a hand rest on Jeongin’s knee. “Try and find out, yeah? We’re worried.” His lips were pressed into a thin line, expression serious.

Jeongin nodded. Inside, his thoughts were a whirlwind. How hadn’t he noticed that something was wrong with Chan? Was he so caught up in his happiness of finally getting the attention he craved that he’d shut off?

He glanced at him again. Chan’s eyes were open, now, and a stylist was hairspraying his hair. He caught Jeongin’s gaze in the mirror and offered a smile.

It was warm, yes, and genuine. But tight, too, as if his mind was preoccupied.

Jeongin smiled back and vowed to himself that he would figure out what was up.

-

The next sign came three days later. Jeongin hadn’t managed to pin down Chan’s problem yet, despite watching him like a hawk. 

Chan, seemingly aware he was being watched, had done a 180° behaviour change. If Jeongin hadn’t been concerned before he definitely would’ve been at this point.

Chan’s signature jewellery had returned in full force and he seemed to try extra hard to appear happy. Hyunjin had even calmed down on asking after him, seemingly placated. 

Unlike Hyunjin, Jeongin was starting to get seriously worried. To him, Chan seemed just as jumpy. Like, as Hyunjin had put it, he wanted to crawl out of his skin. 

He bit his lip and went to find Chan, hoping that he could finally get him to talk. He found him in the living room, TV on but Chan staring blankly. 

Jeongin sat beside him and threw an arm around his shoulder, pulling him in for a side hug. “Hey, hyung.”

Chan smiled at him. “Jeongin, hey.”

Jeongin steeled himself to start the line of questioning before something caught his eye.

Chan’s arms were bare. That in itself wasn’t unusual. What was unusual was the angry red scratch marks up and down his left arm. 

Unthinkingly, Jeongin took his arm in his hand. “Hyung, what happened?”

Chan startled and pulled his arm away. “Something bit me. It was itchy.”

Jeongin stared. The scratches were angry, one of them even with what looked like beads of dried blood in the small time he’d been able to look at it. 

He felt his stomach churn. He didn’t know what to do. If it had been any other member he’d have gone to Chan, but he could hardly have Chan hold an intervention for himself. 

“I’m kind of tired, hyung,” Jeongin said suddenly, an idea forming. “Do you want to go to bed? We could watch a movie?”

Chan smiled at him and Jeongin’s hopes fell. He could read that smile.

“I’m sorry, Innie. I have to finish something at the studio to send to JYP. I’ll be home tonight, promise.” He pressed a quick kiss to his cheek and stood up, grabbing a jacket that was draped across another seat and leaving the room.

Jeongin remained sat, teeth worrying his lip. What could he do?

-

In the end, it wasn’t Jeongin that caught the final sign.

Chan got home from the studio at 11pm, his promise to Jeongin ringing in his ears. He made his way to the deserted kitchen, toeing his shoes off at the door and tiredly rubbing his eyes. 

He wasn’t stupid, he knew that Jeongin was concerned. He, bless him, wasn’t very subtle about it.

Chan picked up a glass and then paused in front of the sink. He was just so tired. So overwhelmed. When Jeongin had first approached him about feeling unloved, Chan had felt his heart break. The following 48 hours had been the worst of his life until he finally broke down and apologised, promising to be better.

And he was being better, he knew that. Jeongin had been visibly happier and more energetic, all smiles and loud laughs. 

The glass slipped from Chan’s grip and smashed on the floor. Chan felt tears brim and sank down with it, hand landing on a large shard but his body not processing it. 

He didn’t know what to do. Jeongin was happy, yes, and that was Chan’s main concern. But he could feel himself slipping.

He couldn’t tell anyone. The group would side with Jeongin, he knew that. The only way to make everything worse would be for him to lose these men that had become his family. 

How could he say that the constant touching from Jeongin makes him want to crawl out of his skin? How could he tell his boyfriend who desperately craves affection that he needs less because it’s too much sometimes?

He pulled his hands into fists and felt a burst of pain in his right hand. Glass. The shard of glass from earlier had dug into his hand and he had pressed it in further. Blood was steadily dripping down his arm and leaving a little puddle on the floor. Chan watched it, mesmerised. He squeezed the glass tighter. The pain increased. The blood flowed more.

It was nice. Somewhere in the back of his mind was the rational part of him yelling ‘what the fuck are you doing?’, but it was overwhelmed. 

He couldn’t tell them, Chan knew that. He couldn’t lose them. But maybe…

He brought the shard, still embedded in his palm, and traced it lightly over his exposed left forearm. He pressed just enough to leave a slightly raised scratch mark, a light sting in comparison to the bloody wound that was his hand. He felt his leg slide a little as he adjusted his position, not noticing that he had smeared blood everywhere. 

He continued tracing it, pressing a little harder, not yet breaking the skin. Tears were freely flowing down his face, but he wasn’t making any noise. 

It was the smash impact sound of something ceramic meeting the floor that made him look up. 

Hyunjin stood in the kitchen doorway, hands in front of him as if he’d been holding something. A smashed dish was scattered on the floor beneath him. 

His face was horrified, eyes wide and mouth open. Chan’s heart sank to his stomach at the look of pure fear in his bandmate’s eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay-“ Chan tried, holding a hand up placatingly. 

Hyunjin paled more, if that was even possible. Chan realised his hand was bloody.

He tried to stand and that finally brought Hyunjin to action.

“No! Stay there!” He said, walking forward. “Just...wait for me, okay?”

Chan nodded dumbly and watched him carefully step across the floor, dodging smashed kitchenware. He crouched in front of Chan and smiled hesitantly. He rested a hand on Chan’s arm. 

“Let’s get you to the bathroom,” he said softly, helping Chan up. 

Chan followed him out, being less careful about the sharp pieces scattered. He felt a sharp pain and sudden wetness on his foot but ignored it.

Hyunjin pulled them into the bathroom and locked the door, immediately leaning over the sink and taking a deep breath. 

Chan met his eyes, blown wide, in the mirror.

“Sit down,” Hyunjin said. “Let’s clean you up.”

He pulled the first aid kit out and gently maneuvered Chan’s injured palm into the open.

The blood had started to congeal and dry. A large shard of glass was pretty embedded, smeared horribly in red. The drips traveled up to his elbow and his hand was like a crime scene.

“I’m going to pull this out,” Hyunjin said. “Ready?”

Chan nodded. 

Hyunjin pulled it fast, restarting the flow of blood. He tossed it aside and pressed a towel to the wound. With one hand he fumbled for the antiseptic and started cleaning it.

Chan cringed against the stinging pain and dug his fingernails into his thigh. 

“I’m going to bandage it, but I really think you should go to the emergency room.” Hyunjin wrapped it carefully but tightly.

Chan breathed out. 

“Did you stand on any?” Hyunjin asked. He then shook his head and looked away, wincing at the blood on the floor and preparing to repeat the process over again.

Chan watched carefully. He knew he wouldn’t get away with it, not this time.

Hyunjin finally finished and wet a towel with warm water, pressing it to the scratched arm and turning to the sink to wash off Chan’s blood.

“Why?” He asked, voice small and cracking. He met Chan’s eye in the mirror. “Chan, what’s going on? Do you realise how _scared_ I was, finding you like that?”

-

Jeongin hadn’t meant to actually fall asleep waiting for Chan, and woke up disoriented. His bed was still cold, Chan evidently not home. Trying not to feel down, he shuffled out of his room and made his way to Felix’s room.

He poked his head around. “Hyung, have you seen Chan?” He asked.

Felix shook his head. “I think I heard the door earlier, though. Maybe he’s in the kitchen?”

Jeongin thanked him and made his way to the kitchen.

The first thing he noticed was the smashed dish at the entrance. Frowning, he approached. Who had smashed it and not picked it up? Annoyed, he ventured further to get a broom, only to stop dead.

There was a pool of blood on the floor under the sink, mixed in with smashed glass. There were smears, as if someone had been sitting in it. Faint red footprints left the room, fading with each step. 

He felt sick. It was a lot of blood for a simple cut. He backed out of the room, stumbling to the bathroom in the hopes he could find the hurt member. _’Please don’t be Chan,_ he thought.

The bathroom door was locked and he tapped desperately on it. “Hello? Chan-hyung ?”

There was the sound of movement and then…

“He’s here.” Hyunjin.

The door clicked and Jeongin pushed in.

Chan was sitting on the toilet seat, hand bandaged and Hyunjin pressing a cloth to his arm. He dropped to his knees beside his boyfriend.

“Oh my god, Chan-hyung. What happened?”

Chan stayed silent.

“Do you want to tell him, or should I?” Hyunjin said.

Jeongin clocked the rough voice and tears. “Hyunjin?”

He sighed. “Sit down, Innie.”

Jeongin perched on the side of the bath, looking up at his band mate expectantly. “I found Chan in the kitchen. He dropped a glass and accidentally got it stuck in his hand.”

Jeongin nodded. He could deal with that.

But then Hyunjin opened his mouth again. “He pushed it in further on purpose. When I found him-“ his voice was thick and he choked. “When I found him...he was pulling it up and down his arm. Like he was gonna-“

Hyunjin finally broke down crying.

Jeongin was frozen. He looked to Chan who nodded, head ducked in shame.

He breathed out. “Okay. We’re going to go to our room, Chan. Us and Hyunjin. And you are going to tell us everything.”

He stood up and carefully pulled Chan up, checking that Hyunjin was following, and pulled them away. 

He pushed Chan on the bed and let him wrap himself in the blanket, pulling it over his head. He and Hyunjin sat on the bed too, keeping careful space.

“Hyung?” Hyunjin said.

Chan bit his lip. “Before I start...it’s not your fault, Innie.”

Jeongin felt his heart sink to his stomach and churn horribly. He’d caused this? It was _his_ fault his beloved boyfriend had hurt himself on purpose, had considered slitting his wrist in the middle of the dorm kitchen?

“I just…” Chan continued. “I get overwhelmed. Too much touch makes me want to crawl out of my skin, sometimes.”

He picked at a loose thread. “I love you Innie, I really do. And I know you need affection. And I’m really sorry I made you feel so horrible…” his voice started becoming choked. “It’s just a lot. I just need to get used to it.”

“Is that why you stopped wearing jewellery?” Jeongin asked quietly. 

Chan nodded. “It helps, a little. It gets too much, too. Everything does. I just just can’t stand the feeling on my skin.”

Jeongin felt like his heart had been ripped to shreds. “Chan, I am so, so sorry.”

“Why were you hurting yourself?” Hyunjin interrupted.

Chan ducked his head further. “It was an accident, at first. But I just kept thinking, there’s no way I can explain this. Everyone will hate me, and I’ll just lose my family.” He sniffed. “I can’t lose you guys.”

Jeongin exchanged a horrified glance with Hyunjin. 

“Baby, you’ll never lose us. I’m so sorry I didn’t realise it affected you like this.” Jeongin said. “Am I okay to touch you now, or no?”

Chan nodded and made a grabby hand in his direction. Jeongin smiled and pulled him into a hug. “And Hyunjin-hyung?” He whispered into his ear.

Chan nodded again and blindly reached for Hyunjin, pulling him into the hug.

Hyunjin sank gratefully into it, silent tears soaking the blanket.

“We are going to have a long talk, hyung,” Jeongin said. “And the others need to know.”

Chan tensed but didn’t complain, nodding slowly. “Okay,” he whispered.

Jeongin may have missed the final sign, but between him and the rest of Stray Kids they would never miss another.


End file.
